WTF: A More Functional Appraoch

An oft-used phrase to express shock, frustration, and disbelief. Whether muttered under your breath or shouted into the abyss, it’s a go-to reaction in moments of confusion, disappointment, or surprise. I must admit, it’s a versatile phrase I’ve said more times than I care to admit (please don’t tell my kids). But what if the F-word wasn’t the four-letter expletive you’re thinking of? What if, instead, it was something more productive?

It might not be as cathartic, but try substituting “functionality” (or just “Func”). With less judgment and irritation, you’re now asking: What is the function of this thought, feeling, or experience?

This term, What the Func? was coined by Dr. Susan David in her emotional agility research and this shift is a core principle of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). In pressure-packed moments—when you’d normally default to a frustrated WTF—focusing on functionality creates space for curiosity, self-awareness and growth.

So, why does this shift matter? Because emotions illuminate what we truly care about. By focusing on function, you move from being stuck in a reaction to learning from it. So the next time you’re about to unleash a “What the F---?!” take a beat. Ask yourself: What the Func? You just might find a lesson hidden in the chaos.

Why the club thrower may have it (partially) right

Imagine you are immersed in one of those golf rounds you’d love to forget. You know the ones—where every shot feels like a struggle, putts refuse to drop, and frustration builds with every swing. You’re fuming inside, caught between self-criticism and sheer exasperation. Maybe you mutter a few choice words under your breath, give yourself a stern talking-to, or, in a moment of pure exasperation, send your club sailing into the nearest pond. While I am most certainly not endorsing the last option, I think it is critical to recognize the inevitability of painful emotion on the golf course and the ineffectiveness (and implausibility) of trying to ignore it, suppress it, or, “just calm down.”

Research is crystal clear about one thing when it comes to emotional suppression: It does not work and worse yet, it intensifies already painful feelings. Even more interesting, when we attempt to suppress emotions like anger or frustration, we don’t just mute the bad—we also dull our ability to experience joy and satisfaction. When we attempt to remain robotic, apathetic, or unflappable through suppression, it backfires and we actually end up with higher anxiety, poorer performance, and decreased enjoyment. 

But here’s the good news—emotions exist because we truly care about what we’re doing and that’s a good thing. So, next time you are on the course, hit a poor shot, and feel frustrated, here are a few suggestions to manage your emotion, rather than allowing it to manage  you:

• Practice Mindfulness – Acknowledge the emotion, accept it without judgment, and allow it to pass. Visualize it like cars on a highway, clouds drifting in the sky, or a leaf floating down a river.
  

• Name It to Tame It – Simply labeling your emotion (“I’m frustrated right now”) can help you process it and remind you that frustration is just a sign that you care and are fully present.
  

• Deep Breathing & Relaxation – Take a few deep breaths to reset your nervous system and regain focus.
  

• Stay Objective & Learn – Shift your mindset from emotional reaction to logical assessment. Instead of berating yourself, analyze the situation: “I left the club face open, which caused the slice.” Learn from it and move forward.

Anger isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it is how you respond to it that matters. If you use it constructively, it can actually sharpen your focus and improve resilience.   The club thrower is allowing himself to feel emotion, express it and (hopefully) move on. Maybe effective use of these alternative strategies can help you from having to fish your club out of the course pond. 

When you are feeling frustrated on the course or at work, how does it affect your performance?

The Emotional Dinner Party

Imagine, you are hosting a dinner party when it is abruptly interrupted by a loud knock at the door. Somewhat frustrated, you open the door only to find an unwanted guest. First, you firmly close the door in its face, but the knocking continues. Then you attempt to ignore the knocking but it is clearly disrupting not only your experience but the experience of the partygoers as well. Ultimately, you decide that the best option is to welcome this unruly guest in, grab him a plate of food, and sit down to learn more about why he is there. This individual may let you know that they saw smoke and came to let you know your house is on fire or they may have some other wildly irrational, negative thing to say about you and your party. Either way, this information is educational.

You may be wondering why I am yammering on about some made-up dinner party, but what if I told you that this is not about a dinner party at all? Rather, it is a metaphor often used by the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) community to illustrate our relationship with our thoughts and feelings. If we were to welcome unwanted thoughts and feelings rather than resisting them, suppressing them, or ignoring them, we would likely find that this more curious, empathic, nonjudgmental approach allows us to see this information as educational rather than disruptive. 

This approach, developed by Susan David, is known as emotional agility and is wildly beneficial not just in our professional and athletic pursuits, but in our everyday lives. Emotions can be incredible teachers if we let them be. They can teach us about what we care about, what we regret, and how to mindfully move forward and design our best life. 

Is he picking his wedgie?: The value of a good pre-shot routine

If you’ve ever watched Rafa Nadal play tennis then you have seen Rafa Nadal pick his wedgie. It happens before he serves: Every, Single, Time. For a man who certainly has enough money to buy better fitting underwear, you may be thinking why doesn’t he fix the problem? Well, that is because it is not the problem at all. It’s the solution. It is his pre-shot routine. 

When consulting with athletes, one of the first things we work on is the creation of a consistent and reliable pre-shot routine. If you watch golfers hit each shot, pitchers throw each pitch, and basketball players shoot each free throw, they all utilize their own, individualized pre-shot routine. It is this routine, also common for performers in many venues, which I believe is the foundation of consistency.  It acts as an anchor/comfort during high-pressure moments, blocks out distractions, and ensures that the athlete’s mind and body are ready for the shot. The final step in any pre-shot/pre-performance routine is acceptance and commitment. One must accept any and all outcomes that might occur and commit fully to the shot at hand. 

Do you have a reliable, repeatable, and consistent pre-shot routine?

How do you fare when you engage in your routine vs. when you don’t?

Waking Up During Surgery: A Lesson in the Importance of Breath and Heart Rate

Years ago, I woke up in the middle of surgery. Intubated, extremities strapped down, and under-anesthetized, I opened my eyes and understood the true meaning of helplessness. Then, thankfully I had the wherewithal to recognize that my heart rate was my only mode of communication. At that moment I thought, if I can spike my heart rate (not too difficult when you are completely terrified and largely incapacitated) then I can let the doctors and nurses know I am awake when I certainly shouldn’t be. As I held my breath, I felt my heart rate skyrocket, heard the nurse say that my IV tube was kinked and then everything went black. It was only later, in the recovery room that I realized the impact of controlling my heart rate.

In competitive environments, awareness of and control over your heart rate plays a key role in managing high-stakes situations. During these pressure-packed moments, when the brain perceives threat, a danger message is sent to the rest of your body and the excitatory nervous system activates. Your heart and breath rate quicken in order to deliver more blood and oxygen to muscles needed in moments of survival. 

Fortunately, we can consciously slow our breath rate (the opposite of what I did in the operating room), signaling to the brain and body that we are not in danger. With training, you can learn to slow your breathing down in stressful situations, signaling safety and helping you remain calm under pressure. Devices like a Whoop band have been revolutionary in building an awareness of this brain-body connection. Ultimately, we have control of our breath, which means we have control of our heart, and if we have control of our heart, we have control of our experience, mentally and physically.

Do you notice your heart and breath rate in stressful moments? 

How do your heart and breath rate affect your performance?

The Jumbo Way: How making mistakes of action created a dynasty

When I played lacrosse for the Tufts University Jumbos (yes, the Elephants), we were good. Good enough to be ranked #2 in the nation at one time, but not exceptional. We did not win our conference and only appeared in the NCAA tournament once. We played a brand of lacrosse that was controlled, safe, and low-scoring, often winning games 6-5 or 9-7. 

A few years after I graduated, that all changed when my coach made the courageous decision to abandon his approach to play and adopt a much more aggressive, fast, and fun brand of ball. In the next five years, the Jumbos routinely led the country in goals, wins, and even championships (winning seven consecutive conference titles and three national championships in five seasons). They also led the country in turnovers, but who cares? What was the key? What was this winning recipe? Make mistakes of action, not inaction!

Interestingly, research has shown that regrets of inaction are far more common than regrets of action. We regret failures lacking boldness, failures in showing up, and failures of avoidance. When working with athletes and teams, I try to normalize a fear of failure, of making mistakes, of being judged and encourage them to, instead, approach the game more vulnerably. Playing vulnerably is embracing, accepting, and surrendering to the fact that mistakes will happen. With acceptance comes the realization that one must move forward bravely anyway. Bravery, after all, is not moving forward without fear, it is moving forward while afraid. 

If you were to embrace uncertainty, create comfort with making mistakes, and act more courageously in your performance pursuits, what would be different? 

What would (or wouldn’t) you regret? 

Wilt Chamberlain’s Catastrophic Case of FOPO (Fear of Other People's Opinions)

Most don’t know that, during the 1961-62 season, the year in which he scored 100 points in one game, basketball great Wilt Chamberlain shot all of his free throws underhand. Even fewer know that he precipitously stopped shooting underhand for one reason and one reason only: what others thought of him. Famed sports psychologist Michael Gervais termed this phenomenon FOPO: Fear of Other People’s Opinions. A notoriously bad free-throw shooter has his best-ever season from the strike, acquires a case of FOPO, and abandons a system that works (he promptly returned to his staggeringly low free-throw shooting percentage the next season). For a man who taught an endless number of helpful basketball lessons, this may have been his most valuable: Focusing on the wrong things can have a catastrophic impact.

It is completely normal and even evolutionarily beneficial to care about what others think (By looking over to gauge the speed of my fellow antelopes, I can decide to run faster and not get eaten by the predator on the prowl). BUT, we are not antelopes and are most often not in danger of being eaten, at least I hope so. So, whose opinion should we care about? I often have the athletes and executives I work with draw a small table with a limited number of seats to help them identify whose opinions truly matter to illustrate the relatively small number of people who’s opinion really matter. Additionally, in his book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***, Mark Manson highlights the notion that we have a limited number of F’s to give and thus must choose them wisely. Examples of better F’s: embracing uncertainty, investing in deep relationships, and taking ownership of your choices rather than focusing on what happens to you. 

How have you allowed what others think to negatively impact your life?

Whose opinions actually matter to you?

Which F’s do you choose to give moving forward?

We (are) Talking About Practice

In a 2002 interview, in what is now known as the “We talking about practice!” interview, Allen Iverson disparagingly mentioned the word practice a total of 22 times. “Not a game, practice!” he said. Most athletes despise practice and can’t wait until game time. The greats fall in love with practice, not just the game. It is, however, not just any old haphazard practice that counts; Instead, it is the purposeful, deliberate practice that matters.

Walk by any driving range in town and you will find the vast majority of golfers engaging in what is called, “Turn and Rake” practice. Mindless, rhythmic practice that lacks purpose not only does not lead to improvement but reinforces bad habits. Turn and Rake range time does not simulate a true competitive environment and leads to more frustration and confusion. This approach to practice lacks focus, purpose, and intention. To break these habits, one must identify specific technical skills to improve, enlist a quality-over-quantity approach, and enjoy the process of attempting to improve.

First, start by truly warming up (hitting balls without care or concern about any outcome other than getting your body warm/loose). Then, set a ten-minute timer and work on a specific skill with focus and intention, attempting to create muscle memory. Too often, golfers are thinking about the technical aspects of their swing while in competitive environments. Instead, make sure to leave the analytical thinking about your swing on the range. Finally, create a game/competition with yourself or others, be precise with your targets (instead of hitting aimlessly). You can repeat the technical/competitive portions for as many rounds as you’d prefer. When your practice becomes more purposeful, you will see commensurate improvements.

Are you practicing with purpose?

If not, what parts of your game do you want to work on with deliberate intention?

Know your Value(s)

If you had the opportunity to guess the top four values Steve Kerr (Nine-time NBA champion; five as a player and four as a coach) creates a culture around, you may guess toughness, persistence, hard work, confidence, or even discipline. Unfortunately, you would be completely wrong. Without further ado, here are the four core values Steve Kerr bases everything he does on: JOY, MINDFULNESS, COMPETITION, and COMPASSION. Yes, I said compassion.

Whether these would be your top four values or not is somewhat inconsequential, but the importance of identifying core values and organizing your behavior around them is something we can all agree upon. I will, however, admit that I love his four chosen values. If a team is not joyful, presumably they are not having fun doing what they do. If they are not mindful, they are liable to get caught in the past or overly focused on the future: both of which we do not have control over. If they do not compete with themselves or others, it makes succeeding and mastering their craft almost impossible. Finally, I believe that compassion, for self and others, is the antidote to shame, which can wreck individual and team experience perhaps more than any other emotion.

When building a team, whether athletic or professional, creating clarity around individual and team values is imperative. Doing so unifies the group, guides behavior, and constructs a clear vision for your group. After all, it’s no wonder that Steve Kerr has nine rings!

What are your core values and how do they guide your behavior?

The Difference is in the Details

As a teenager, I landed a job as a dental assistant to a well-respected dentist. I was able to get this sought-after assistantship because the dentist was my father. During the first dental procedure in which I assisted, he asked for a Scaler and I mindlessly handed it to him. He handed it right back to me. In that moment he taught me the importance of giving him the dental tool directly into his hand at exactly the angle he needed; he demonstrated that being haphazard or inattentive delays efficient treatment. This moment epitomized how the difference truly is in the details. 

Scottie Scheffler, the world’s #1 golfer warms up with a beginner’s grip aid on the range before every round. He has professed that, if the foundation of his swing, his grip, is not spot on, he cannot be a great ball-striker. Similarly, Steph Curry, the greatest shooter in NBA history, begins his pre-game shooting workout approximately one foot from the basket with one hand. He has learned that, if his fundamentals are not perfect, he cannot continue to be the best shooter in the game. These greats start each practice with basics and fundamentals. The difference is in the details.

           On the first day of each season’s basketball practice at UCLA, Coach John Wooden taught every player how to put on their socks and tie their shoes. I know this may sound ridiculous, but his thought was simple: If you do not put your socks and shoes on correctly, you could get blisters or, worse, get injured, which would have a negative impact on the team. Even the smallest detail matters and the difference is in the details.

If the greatest athletes in the world (and my dad - yes, I just put him on that level) are always working on these basic, fundamental, ground-level aspects of their craft to gain an edge, and perfect their performance, shouldn’t the rest of us too? When an individual creates muscle memory around these most fundamental skills, they then happen instinctively during pressure-packed moments. Increasing attention to the details yields great confidence. Not only in the best of athletes, but for all of us.

What are the most basic skills you can practice?

How is your performance impacted when you spend more time on them?

Writing this blog scares me… which is exactly why I am writing it.

In her viral TED talk “The Gift and Power of Emotional Courage,” Dr. Susan David shared on of my favorite quotes, “Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life.” When asked about the most pervasive theme in my work, without hesitation I say it is our growing tendency to avoid that which makes us uncomfortable.

There is a trend in our society which is emblematic of this Comfort Trap; fewer and fewer 16-year-olds seize the opportunity to get their driver’s licenses. While there are several reasons why many may wait, the most persistent reported reason is fear: fear of failure, failure of making mistakes, fear of the unknown. Figuratively and quite literally, this avoidant response to fear shrinks the world of the developing teen.

Fear-based avoidance and remaining in one’s comfort zone deprives an individual of opportunities to be challenged, to learn, and to grow. This fear and avoidance pattern reverberates around our playing fields, classrooms, and workplaces and consequently prevents individuals and teams from reaching their full potential. 

Knowing that seeking comfort and convenience creates stagnation and stalls personal growth, we must, as Michael Easter writes in his book, The Comfort Crisis, “embrace discomfort as a powerful catalyst for change and self-discovery.” In fact, perceiving moments of stress as readiness, care, or excitement, can improve our performance! After all, fear is evolution’s most powerful performance enhancer.

In publishing this first blog post, I am choosing to interpret my fear, worry, and nervousness regarding sharing these insights in this public setting as excitement and a sign that I truly care about this work. Moreover, I believe that good questions are more valuable than good answers. With that in mind, I will conclude each post with what I hope will prove to be thought-provoking questions.

When have you allowed fear to inhibit you from taking action?

Looking back, what might you have done differently?

What uncomfortable experiences are you pursuing to create a more meaningful life?

Certainly, this piece was written to challenge your thinking and encourage positive change. I hope you enjoy this post and the others that will follow, but in the end, I am proud knowing that in writing this I have chosen courage over comfort, meaning-making over safety, and vulnerability over shame.